a nice conclusion

i realize that, sadly, i was unable to spend a lot of time with my friends who have already left for college, or in Zz's case israel. its unfortunate. i wasnt able to say a proper goodbye before they left to college for their very first time. i have to make sure that i get to spend some time with them once they come back for break.

but the point of this blog is to further establish that we need to say a proper "goodbye, see you later" with my PANDA girls. you girls are not allowed to just hop on the plane [w/e ur form of transportation you may be taking] and leave Oakland behind. we have to make sure we do something special. im confident that this is already in the back of every PANDA's mind, but i feel like i need to bring it up to everyone's immediate attention. knowing that we've been having trouble this entire summer getting everyone together, i want to put in the extra effort. this is all happening too soon. like anna said, we're growing up. we're headed towards our own directions. we are separated, but we're still together. i want our departure to happen beautifully yeh? like the movies. I LOVE YOU PANDA!

psst. it would be nice if i had two beautiful conclusions xD

in need of company

i was literally rotting away these past few days. sitting at home doing nothing.

except for those few hours. =]

i dont think i had many chances to hang out with just my girls. soon we're going to be heading our seperate ways, and who knows when will be the next time we'll see each other. especially now that i'm helping out at a pediatric dental office, it takes away more of my time. people are getting to spend time with each other while im stuck in a stinking office. and whats better than to start a morning off with screaming kids and that disgusting smell of cleaning solutions. suck it up bee, suck it up.
i want to call up some people and have them keep me company while i work. but seriously, who would want to.
its only been the weekend and i feel like i havent seen my friends for the longest of times. i miss anhla and nuggy terribly since i havent seen them for an entire week bc we pretty much hung out every single day for the last two months...and now we're not! i cant do much about it but complain, so whenever you happen to find youtself bored at home, come talk to me on aim xD

august rush

the title came out of no where really. its august. and it reminds me of the movie i watched xD

this blog spot reminds me of xanga. minus the pictures and music. or maybe this blogspot has such functions, i would have to find out later. it also reminds me of the popular style we used to write in. it was crazy, consisting of random capitalization, numbers and weird spelling. its kind of embarrassing reading my xanga entires. they consisted of nothing but normal everyday events like waking up, going to class and what not. they were pointless blogs. quite silly. i keep a diary and my previous volumes pretty much resemble my xanga entries. but im glad to say that they have grown to be something more meaningful. will i be blogging on here often? who knows? this is a public domain. and i would have to risk recieving hurtful comments.

something that has been at the back of my mind all summer.
him
and all the things he's done to me.

i really shouldn't hold on to such pety things. but how can i not? they are like ugly warts that refuses to go away, and when they do, they leave unwanted scars. im not supposed to remember. its supposed to be gone. but its impossible not to think about it. i forgave him, but i never forgot. he is such a jerk to say the least. he was controlling, demanding, insensitive, and egotistical. i seriously believed for a while that the world has to revolve around him. but then i realize. hey. im my own person. how can i let him play with my feelings like that, telling me to give him time so he can reconsider giving me another chance. and then right at my breaking point. when i wanted to call it quits. he pulled me back. his apology did not even begin to start healing me. he never did anything to prove that he was truely sorry for what he did, and it continued to bother me throughout the second half of our relationship. why did i have to take his second chance? what have i done wrong for him to consider giving me a second chance? bc i really believed that there was something there i guess. it was ridiculous. i tried really hard to sustain the relationship, but it was fruitless. hes constantly mad at me for one reason or another. hes not dumb either, he realizes that all we do is argue, so why dont you do something about ur frikkin temper. there were good memories i admit. but not enough to make up for my hurt.

the point is. i ended it. i stood up for myself. whatever he does now is none of my business. but i cant let it go. i want to let it go! im trying so hard not to hate him, he knows too much about me. but its slowly eating me up inside. its annoying me to the the point of no return. i want to hate him forever...do something that would measure up. but no. whats the use. im really not that violent, i promise. i just have my moments xD. BUT i've found a potential candidate. things are at a smooth sail and i feel like im living a fairy tale.

so it shouldnt bother me. i wont let it.